Blackberry Brambles: The Search for Kaelin Glazier

By Kimberly Cruz Waller

So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Kaelin rushed out the door to meet a friend an hour before her youth group began at church. I had no idea it would be the last time I’d see my daughter alive. My beloved Kaelin Rose disappeared.

When she didn’t come home I suspected something wrong. She was usually dependable, calling if she would be late. I phoned the security guard at church to check the now dark and locked church grounds. A neighbor volunteered to drive around the area. Fear clutched me when I discovered her backpack at home. She would never willingly go out without her make-up, even to the mailbox. I called her friends, then the police. The sinking reality of reporting a Missing Child slapped my heart.

Hope rose the next morning with the first clue. The uncle of the “big friend” I had warned her to stay away from said he saw her the previous night, November 6, 1996. My roller coaster emotions soared, only to be dashed. In the months that followed 460 calls and sightings arrived from many sources. We followed every lead—on the bike path, in a class, under the bridge, in the river. Had Kaelin been abducted against her will? Was she was dead or alive?

Large-scale search parties hunting through the area found not a trace. I felt guilty when my Christian friends donated their Saturdays to search in pouring rain. They brought snacks, and the fire department furnished tents. Throngs of detectives snooped into the most personal details. A room-full of men, the county “Major Crime Unit”, questioned me for hours and. confiscated Kaelin’s diary. I took lie detector tests. Bob Walcutt, with “Heidi Search” in Texas, helped organize volunteers, report findings, map areas and oversee the crew. The FBI and National Guard joined police and friends struggling through blackberry brambles along the creek.

Three weeks after Kaelin vanished the chaos of phone lines, bulletin boards, notes of sightings, maps, and lists of agencies was relocated in a temporary classroom at the school. What a relief! Again I could function, with God’s help, as a mother in my home. My four other children had been staying with friends. As rain pelted the windows of Search Headquarters I marveled at God’s provision of volunteers who combed the woods and roads. A month after Kaelin’s disappearance, my nagging fear was confirmed. Authorities suspected foul play.

At fifteen, Kaelin was a joy to all who knew her. She possessed a lively, strong-willed personality with a hint of mischief. Interested in art and drama, creativity sparkled in her blue eyes. She enjoyed reading to her sisters and brother and experimenting with cooking. When the police at first considered that she had merely run away, I felt wounded.

But only the night before she vanished, Kaelin and I’d had a power struggle. She’d said, “But Mom, I just want to go to parties to see my friends. Why do you have to be so strict?”

“It’s dangerous to drive with friends who have just learned, especially if they’ve been drinking.”

“But everybody else goes,” she said.

“Well, you’re not everybody!” I was determined to protect her from learning the hard way, grateful that God was restoring my life after countless bad choices. She wrote in her diary: “ I HATE MY MOM!”

As the search went on I thought: I’ve blown it as a mom. When I made the decision to trust God with my life a couple of years ago I believe Jesus forgave my sins--past, present, and future. So why do I feel so guilty?

In a quiet corner of the yard a pastor from church listened while, through tears, I confessed my fears and failures. A single mom, I had tried to give my five children the time, energy, and love they needed. I wept as I told him about fights with Kaelin, and about times I lost my temper. With the pastor’s help I asked God to forgive my inadequacies as a parent. I forgave myself, too. The peace I needed began to replace the sting of embarrassment and shame.

On December 6, one month after Kaelin vanished, Kristina, my invaluable secretary, found me at Search Headquarters. “Can you look at the items the team brought back on the horses, Kim? Channel 5 will be here at 3:00 o’clock.”

I examined the sodden green sweater and muddy tennis shoe. “No, they’re not Kaelin’s.” I shuddered at the gruesome task.

When he came the media reporter asked, “What would you like to say to viewers out there, ma’am?”

The blinding light of the camera pierced my soul. “Anyone who has information, please come forward and help us find my daughter.”

Through the next 11½ years the word of God became my lifeline to sanity. I found assurance in Matthew 10:26: There is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known.

On Kaelin’s sixteenth birthday, May 1, 1997, I felt too numb to participate in normal life. Drenched with grief, I walked in the woods where I had searched with a volunteer and his dog. We had poked sticks in mounds of dirt to see if someone was buried there. I burst into tears and screamed into the sky at God. “Why do I have to go through this pain?” I cried and shouted and raged. Finally the storm subsided. My heavenly Father’s love remained steady in spite of my outburst. Through a blur of tears I whispered, “Okay, God, I choose to forgive YOU. Maybe someday I’ll understand.” The gentle Holy Spirit began surrounding me with love and peace. By faith I believed: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9.

The hope of seeing Kaelin in heaven someday gave me the serenity to go on with my life.

In April 2008 my daughter’s earthly remains were found in a peaceful field near a tall evergreen tree within a mile of the church. Among many questions remaining is: Why weren’t they found sooner? All I can say is God’s timing is perfect. One indisputable truth is: In the face of the most tragic circumstances, God is able to give peace, comfort, and strength to those who ask Him. In spite of righteous indignation, I choose to forgive whoever is responsible for my daughter’s murder. I believe that, in the end, justice will be done.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

Kimberly Cruz Waller writes from Winston, Oregon.