Confessions Of An Arrogant Father

By Randy Knapp

My son stood across the family room from me trembling with fear and frustration, his shaking voice rising in anger. “Dad, it’s no use talking to you. You are always right.” He wasn’t commending me for inerrancy. He was condemning me for arrogance. My son’s words stung, and I worried he might be right.

During the moment of the accusation my mind was silently screaming, “Hey, kid, I’ve got thirty-three years on you. I’ve been around the block. I graduated from college and I’ve continued to push myself intellectually ever since. I read every day. I study challenging opinions and difficult books. I have sweated, struggled and grown, and I’ve earned the right to be right.”

But I knew my son’s outburst was a warning sign. He would not have confronted me if we didn’t have a problem. He was seeking my affirmation. I realized that he wanted to know that when he spoke to me, I was truly listening.

I became concerned that this problem might be showing up in other areas of my life.

I had recently read a book on repairing broken relationships. The author made the assertion, “You can be right, or you can be loved.” Once again, the statement did not refer to being factually correct. It warned against an arrogant attitude. Individuals who perpetually portray themselves as right in every opinion and in every respect are not easily loved.

It seemed that I needed to change the way I related to people – learn to put others first. If I cared a little less about being right, maybe I could really discern the meaning behind their words and body language. Maybe I could learn to understand people on a deeper level.

I experimented with the art of focused listening as people talked to me – to be “with” them in the moment. I am “with” someone when I seek to the best of my ability to shut out all other distractions and focus my attention solely on the person who is addressing me. I especially practiced this in conversations with individuals who held opinions widely divergent from my own. I found that I began to enjoy these conversations and to learn a great deal about people with whom I had thought I disagreed.

When I curbed the urge to persuade people to adopt my beliefs, I found them much more interesting. I began to see them more clearly. It was easier to love them, and I left the conversations with a sense of peace rather than inner turmoil.

The search for meaningful loving relationships is the pinnacle of human striving and is the central core of the teachings of Jesus. He maintained that the greatest yearnings of human kind would be met when they comprehended the meaning of supreme love for God and unconditional love for their fellow man. He didn’t mention much about the need for being right.

Today, in conversations with my son, I seek common ground with him. I affirm his understandings as valid and worthy of consideration. I have found that I love listening to his opinions, and I am discovering that he is often right.

Randy writes from Medford, Oregon. knappsnest@msn.com