Shoes

By Bob Hanson

Women are fascinated with their feet? Want proof? Check any woman’s closet. Five times as many shoes as in your closet? Ten times? Twenty? Why is this? I’ve never heard an adequate explanation.

My wife is a generally-sensible woman. But even she is affected by this un-comprehendible phenomenon. Arriving home from a shopping safari, she likes to share the details of the adventure. She and a friend searched several stores, finding nothing. Being determined shoppers, they didn’t give up. Pushing deeper into the shopper’s jungle, they battled bravely, overcoming immense obstacles.

By sheer persistence and suave shopping instincts, they discovered a promising new store. In that remote location, they observed a previously-unknown species of shoes. “What do you think of these?” one explorer asked.

“They’re you.” The other answered, voice quivering with excitement.

At that point in the tale, my wife typically dives into a detailed description. (I hope I get all the terms right.) “They were the cutest black pumpers with racing stripes, open-toed with sling back, triple straps and hemi heals. They were covered with diamonds, (my assumption based on the price) inside and out and were the most comfortable shoes I’d ever worn.” I would have seen all this myself, but the shoes had some fatal flaw and so were ultimately rejected.

My wife’s over-excitement about shoes often splashes onto me. She regularly announces that I need new foot ware. I look at my existing pairs and find them still serviceable. I say, “They’re fine.” She looks at me like I’m clueless—which, on this subject, I am. She then embarks on an impassioned discourse about the need to update my foot ware. In this discussion I am hopelessly outmatched.

Not all women are intrigued by shoes. I once talked to a lady who didn’t have a large collection. She owned only a few pair of flip-flops, which she wore regardless of the season. I was about to congratulate her, when she told me that she had 55 different colors of toenail polish. It’s really the same thing. It’s still about the feet.

Men are much more practical. Four or five pairs of shoes, each designed for a particular purpose, are more than sufficient. I consider six pairs extravagant.

I once thought about my feet. I was strolling about my farm when a thorn found its way into my boot. The honed steal tip (metaphoricalized) of that four-inch spike (hyperbolized) pierced the work-callused heel on my left foot. Suddenly, I could think of nothing but my feet. But that is different, right?

Why there should be such a difference in the way men and women perceive feet, I cannot say. It is a mystery hidden in the godhead. Often I can discover a sort of correspondence in the way the two genders view things. For this topic the formula would go like this: Feet are to women, as _____ are to men.

In this particular case, I cannot solve the equation.

But…Jesus washes them all!

Bob Hansen writes from Chehalis, Washington. Bhansen6@juno.com