CALM on Mother’s Day and Every day

By Pam Farrel

What Mom might need this Mother’s Day is a little bit of CALM, In my book, Fantastic After 40, I give a few clues to bring some CALM to Mom’s world. To make it easy to remember, let’s link these skills to the word, C.A.L.M. Calm means:

Care enough to confront

Accept people grow and change

Learn to forgive, reconcile and release

Move yourself forward

When our lives are feeling stressful, let’s not start blaming our mate or our kids. Let’s look in the mirror. Perhaps the reason we have some negative feelings toward some of those we love is that we have allowed them to look at us as some sort of “Wonder Woman.” The first step in gaining CALM is to “Confront the issues,” beginning with ourselves and our contribution to the situation.

Next we are to “accept people grow and change” and that change might first be in us. Third, “Learn to forgive.” Before we talk to anyone, we must forgive them first. Conversations go better when we are not carrying extra emotional baggage. Finally, “Move ourself forward, Mom.” Let’s make the decision to do things differently the next time.

Let’s take a simple example from a woman featured in Fantastic After 40. Candy squeezed in her weekly tennis game forcing herself to slip away from her home based business office and enroute she prayed, Father, I just feel so “heavy.”

An inaudible voice seemed to say, “Then roll the ball back.”

Roll the ball back?

After tennis, Candy dashed from the club to the junior high to pick up Terri, her daughter. She wasn’t greeted with a “Hi ya mom!” but Terri barking commands of needed poster board, and other items for a project due the next morning. By the time they got home from errands, Cliff, her high school son drove up in the driveway. “Hey Mom, did you get my uniform washed?”

When she walked in, her arms laden with groceries, she noticed her college daughter Kelly was watching TV and the kitchen sink was full of dishes and there was no sign of any dinner being prepared. Candy’s husband came home and kissed her a quick peck and asked, “Did you pick up my dry cleaning today?” Then Cliff carrying an armload of dirty sports gear came in and tossed the clothes right on to the kitchen counter and said with an attitude, “Mom—they aren’t washed! I need them in the morning.” Then Kelly walked in and said, “I’m hungry, what’s for dinner?”

Roll the ball back! the voice screamed inside her. She pictured herself out on the tennis court, and with a powerful forearm she whacked the ball back into her partner’s side of the court making her chase the ball. She got the picture. She realized she had been taking on everyone else’s responsibility, owning everyone else’s issues, covering for everyone’s mistakes. So, in her mind she lobbed those responsibility balls right back over the net.

“Cliff, you know how to use the washer, I suggest you start the load. Kelly, you can finish dinner since you are so hungry. Terri, Dad would love to drive you to get the poster board, its right next to the cleaners. I’m going to take a long hot bubble bath. We can all meet up over dinner in an hour, I’ll make desert. She gave her husband a kiss as she bounced up the stairs. It felt good to roll the ball back into the court it belonged in.

Moms, if we are looking for CALM, let’s backhand those responsibility balls back over the net to the court they belong in and enjoy our day off.

Pam and Bill Farrel are relationship specialists, authors of a new book, 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make (Harvest House) and Pam is the Founder of Seasoned Sisters, a ministry to midlife women (40-65+). Send Mom on a weekend off, Seasoned Sisters by the Sea retreat Sept. 13 in San Diego, Info at www.seasonedsisters.com