MY TIMES ARE IN HIS HANDS

Sandi Elzinga

“My times are in your hands….” Psalm 31:15

As though it were yesterday, I still recall the fear and confusion I felt as I watched my husband of forty years…until then a marathon runner…hanging onto the living room walls for support as he walked. Within a few short weeks, Bill was slumped over in a wheelchair, then in a hospital bed as a paralysis from three brainstem tumors continued to creep up his right side and down his left. I shifted my mind into neutral as I cared for him.

Even so, I saw the depth of his sorrow in his tears, felt his depression as it mirrored mine, and heard his frustration in his garbled speech. At the same time, he radiated the kind of peace only Jesus Christ can give. When questioned, he lifted the one hand he could still move, in praise to God. Everything was in His hands.

As Bill continued to deteriorate, he began contemplating Heaven with joy--even longing--in his earth-weary eyes. I ran around, trying to force him to keep up with his physical therapy and to eat when he was no longer able. Trying to postpone the inevitable.

A month later, I buried Bill’s body in the sodden ground during the chill of an early spring rain.

I walked on, limping in the pain and emptiness of my life without him. Grief rolled over me in waves: Shock. Disbelief. Hasn’t he just gone on a business trip? Tears too deep to shed; too intense to hold back. Guilt. And an anger I hadn’t known was there.

Despite my exhaustion and sleepless nights, I kept crazy busy, blunting my sadness by looking for, and lingering at other people’s problems. Trying to make everything right.

When reality threatened to engulf me, I hobbled on raw and bleeding knees, into the waiting arms of God.

To rest.

My Lord lifted me up in all of my brokenness, and held me close to his heart. He carried me as He had Bill--through the pain, sorrow and loss--yesterday and today, seven years later…in His hands.

Sandi Elzinga writes from Grand Haven, Michigan. selzinga@hotmail.com