Get a Mentor

By Pam & Bill Farrel

Bill and I believe we are who we are today because we had some amazing mentors in ministry. Because we came from homes of origin where our parents were not believers (only Pam’s mother was a believer at the time we married), we made it a priority to look for ministry minded couples to model love in front of us so we could learn how to stay in love living in the fishbowl.

We would walk into the back of church each Sunday as seminary students and look for a grey haired couple who looked like they were in love. We would sit behind them and during the greeting time, we’d ask, “You look like you are still in love, how did you do that?” The time was always short so they would reply, “Well we can’t tell the story now, but if you are free for lunch, we’d love to share our story.” To two poor seminary students, this was music to our ears because we got a two for one deal: great mentoring and a great free lunch!

In 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make, we explain how to find a mentor:

Look for a couple who has the love that you’d like to have.

Look around and see who holds hands, who acts kind to one another, who opens the door, who prays for one another or swerve as teammates in ministry in the format your feel comfortable duplicating.

Look for a couple who has done what you want to do.

Look for a couple who have not only survived in your particular fishbowl but thrived and found a life that has served them and their families well.

Look for a couple who lives in your world.

They will be stronger mentors if they live in your neighborhood, are a part of your work world, or attend your church. You will be able to see them in a variety of circumstances, and they will be there to answer those day-to-day issues and questions that may crop up. Somehow, your life and theirs should intersect naturally.

Look for a couple who shares something in common with you.

We have three sons, and we have enjoyed having mentors who raised all boys. We have benefitted from mentors who are clergy couples and ones who are writers and speakers. We have enjoyed attending sporting events with sports-minded mentors, exercising with them, or even vacationing with them.

Look for a couple who is willing.

They don’t have to be perfect—no couple is! They don’t even necessarily need to be trained marriage mentors or professional marriage educators. They just need to have a strong, stable relationship themselves.

Make a list of two to five couples who might be willing to mentor you. Decide which couple might be the best fit and invite them to dinner. See how the dinner goes. Ask them questions about how they met, what advice they would give to newlyweds, and their tips for clergy couples. If this dinner goes well, make a follow-up appointment. Ask them if they would be willing to spend some time with you.

Pam and Bill Farrel write from El Cajon, California. They are international speakers and best selling authors of over 28 books on relationships. They can be contacted at www.farrelcommunications.com or 800-810-4449.