I
experienced change in a dramatic way when my husband and I helped my son,
daughter-in-law and two precious grandchildren move to Phoenix, Arizona
recently. We went 1,200 miles away. How
my heart sank as we drove south through California and then west into Arizona.
Life had taken a sharp turn. I felt left
behind and immobile.
I
know God promises He never changes. (See Hebrews 13:8) But this did not comfort my soul at first. I
wrestled with what I wanted and needed. I gave little regard that God’s hand
was leading my family to a place with new opportunities that will help them
grow closer to Him. I felt my heart breaking as hugged my grandbabies, Nathen and Tahlya goodbye. I felt
my knees shake as I knew I wouldn’t see Doug, my son and Jessica, my
daughter-n-law, much longer.
Change
did come. I wrote a memoir of the sadness I felt, the effects of this change I
saw, and the relentless hope I experienced during this time of change. I titled this memoir, Half a Heart, and realized this was just not so. I gave my heart to
Jesus at nineteen and never took it back, so how could half of it be gone? God
was lovingly teaching me something here. Who have I pledged my life to? Was I
living for my family or for God Himself?
This thought floored me as I sat deeply contemplating whom I had allowed
my affections to belong to. I give affection to my grandchildren, my son and
daughter-in-law; I cannot give them my heart. As long as God is the keeper of
my heart, neither myself nor Satan, should have such a hold on me I can’t exist
another day. What was I thinking? God
was moving part of my family, part of me, to a better place and this choice of
God’s led me to shaky knees, a wounded heart, relentless hope and emptiness to
the point of despair? Something was out of place. Was I hindering this work of
the Lord in my family through my own selfish desires?
I
repented for allowing my family to own what was rightfully God’s, my heart. I
had allowed myself to be overtaken by feelings God could tame if I let Him. The
pain that once stabbed so deeply finally lessened to a dulling numbness. I can’t live for my family; I must live for
my God. The relationship I have with my family is one God has so richly blessed
me with. It is a gift and one to be appreciated, but not idolized. Faith made
its way into the depths of my heart. swald Chambers put it this way. “Faith is deliberate
confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the
time.”
God
changes not. I depended on Him yesterday, I can depend on Him today, and I will
depend on Him for tomorrow. Change may be inevitable, but my God can see me
through any and all changes that may be gravely unwanted but desperately
needed.
Denise’s
memoir Love Hurts, can be found at
www.created2bless.gather.com